If Grace is an Ocean

Just a little further.

The ocean is within grasp. I can almost feel the waves caressing my fingertips as I crawl ever so slowly, ever so desperately toward the water. I have no strength to stand. My whole body aches. My vision is hazy, my head spinning, heart pound, pound, pounding to no steady rhythm.

Left. Right. Left. Right.

Futile as a stranded turtle, I struggle toward the sea like my life depends on it. Except…my life really does depend on it. My chest, pressed painfully against the coarse sand, hoarsely screams for a sip of refreshing relief. The dirt smothering my face as it clouds the air in my frantic hustle isn't helping at all.

Almost there…

With one final heave costing the measly remainder of my energy, I plunge my face into the rushing waters and inhale a deep mouthful. With every gulp, I thirst for more. I keep drinking. It tastes awfully salty but I don't care. What other option do I have?

I pause, lifting my dripping face to catch a glimpse of the sun making its daily pilgrimage below the horizon. How dazzling! …Is what I would think if I were not at my wit's end. I sigh and stare longingly where the sky meets the sea, pondering the mystery it holds. I have reached the shore after wandering through the desert, but it isn't quite the oasis I had hoped for. There is no trace of life besides my own wretched frame, and though there is water, it cannot sustain me.

Slumping down in dissatisfaction, I am suddenly overtaken by a flaring thought: I wanna get out of here. Though venturing through the ocean may hold many unknowns, I have already hit rock bottom and have nothing to lose. A small whisper in my head tells me I should rest before embarking on another journey, but my desperate heart yearns for a sense of security that staying here simply would not grant me. Without waiting another minute, I dive into the water and swim blindly in some ambiguous forward direction, not daring to open my eyes for fear of the stinging salt. My hands reach and reach and reach, for solid ground but really just for my sanity. Left, right, left, right. Stroke after uneven stroke. Hoping against hope that my striving will find me a new home.

Suddenly—

A wave crashes over me. I'm caught off guard and tumble in its wake. Instinctively, I open my eyes to gain my bearings then immediately squeeze them shut, but not before the harsh bite of saltwater permeates my pupils. I thrash around in an extremely barbaric fashion, searching hysterically for breath, a million panicked thoughts scribbling heaping chaos onto the canvas of my brain each second. No one is around to save me, my cries echoing at a different frequency than any other. I hear alarm sirens. Thumping. Tick. Tock. The scribbles suffocate my mind as the water suffocates my lungs and all the noises start blending together in a horrific symphony. Where's the surface? Where, where, where…

I kick furiously and my head finally bursts through to the open night air. A massive gasp explodes from my gaping mouth, sputtering helplessly but grateful for the sweet taste of oxygen. With my eyes finally safe to open, I look around excitedly and feel a wave of disappointment surge through me—rather than in view of a new shore, I am right back where I started.You've got to be kidding. Refusing to accept defeat, I pounce back into the water as it crawls up the beach, determination coursing through my veins.

Before I know it, the wave brings me back.I didn't try hard enough. Go again.

Washed back to shore. I'm too weak. Do it again.

A failure. Again.

Insufficient. Rinse. Abandoned. And. Despised. Repeat.

Again.
And again.
And again and again and again.

I am drained of everything but my flaming desire to escape. I wonder how the water hasn't put it out yet. Just one more time, I say to myself.

One more time, I thrust my body forward. One more time, I endure the stinging salt and the even greater sting of my self-effacing mentality. I kick and pull harder than ever before, subconsciously bracing for the wave that is to come.

Right on cue, it slams into my face. It's a pointless chase. I am in no condition to fight the waves, which cruelly hurl me back to square one against my will, time after time. I wonder: if I am doomed to be stuck here, is it worth enduring at all? I let my limbs drift down to my side. I feel my limp body sinking into the depths, and for the first time in forever, I don't try to fight. For the first time, I feel a strange sense of peace.

Through the darkness, a tender voice calls out to me: “Open your eyes.” Perplexed, I hesitantly comply. Behold, a most beautiful sight meets my gaze—in the waters above me, a display of graceful lights transform the murky sea into a stage for glowing dancers, twinkling with indescribable gentleness. It pierces and shines through the chaos swimming in my mind. I am so mesmerized that I almost don't realize my eyes are now comfortably open underwater, unaffected by the salt I was once so afraid of. And miraculously, I am no longer suffocating from lack of air, but my lungs are filled with vigorous breath anew. It's like the moment I let go of control, I became free.

“Come to me, my child,” the same voice calls out again. Then it hits me. The source of light, the peace that surpasses understanding, the breath of life—this voice, it comes from my Father. The Father I neglected in favor of my own pursuits.

I can't see where His voice is coming from, but somehow I know exactly where to go. The balletic lights guide me back to shore, and time stands still as I pass through the waters in tranquility. I can't believe these were the same waters I was battling for my life against just moments earlier.

Upon reaching the shore, my head bobs out of the water to witness the sun stretching out its rays in a serene yawn, sending streaks of pink, orange, and gold across the vast expanse of the sky. The shiny wetness of the sand extends far and wide, mirroring the extravagant illustration up above. As I kneel in awe, calm waves still lapping at my feet, the beauty of creation takes my breath away, and the world seems to hold its breath with me.

Finally, I dare to take a breath, a timid inhale and exhale that whispers His name: “Yahweh.” I turn my eyes to rest upon the silhouette of my beloved Father, standing on the drier regions of sand farther upshore. He smiles warmly, eyes sparkling infinitely brighter than the lights I saw underwater. He opens His arms in invitation. I don't need to be asked twice—I run toward Him as fast as my weary legs will take me, soaring across the beach but my soul soaring faster, tears flowing and left behind in the wind.

Tumbling into His arms, I let out a sigh of relief. He tightens His embrace. Although I am soaked through and plastered with innumerable grains of sand, He does not pull away in repulsion. A strange sensation of lightness overwhelms me as all my burdens are lifted, even those hidden to myself. Taken aback, I look up and He says softly, “Now doesn't that feel better?” I nod and feel my face contort uncontrollably as a sob rises from deep within my throat. My words choke before they have the chance to be said. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for chasing after my own desires. I'm sorry for being caught up in myself. I'm sorry for corrupting Your love with my judgment. I'm sorry for seeking treasures that can never satisfy. I'm sorry for forgetting only You can satisfy.

Amidst the waterfalls blinding my vision, I see my Father saying something. “I know. And I love you all the same.”

The tears rain heavier, if that's even possible. All this time I was thirsting for things of this world, but the more I drank up that sea, the more I grew thirsty. All this time I was trying to swim elsewhere to satisfy my needs, thinking I knew best, but my gracious Father never let me go and kept sending waves to bring me back. All this time I thought the beach was a barren land, but He was there all along, better than any oasis I could stumble upon, overflowing with living water that will never run dry. Despite my persistent disobedience, He persistently pursued me. How steadfast He is, more than the sun we know will rise each day, more than the waves with their constant push and pull.

God, why do You love me? I don't deserve a single ounce of Your love, yet You lavish it freely. Because that's simply who You are, loving simply who I am. Though I am but a vase marred by cracks that will continue breaking under the weight of my own sin, You will never stop piecing me back together, over and over again. My broken spirit that I despise so much, oh God, You never will. Somehow, You call me worthy to receive Your unending streams of mercy, replenishing my empty soul; worthy to stand here today even with all my failures, redeemed by the blood of Your only Son.

How wonderful it is to be fully known and loved by You! Your goodness is sweeter than anything I've ever tasted, even the fresh air after escaping the clutches of the sea. With You, even when the waves crash over me, I am safer than I have ever been.

I look up again at the rising sun. It's a new morning to enjoy His mercies, to be satisfied with His love.

I burrow deeper into His warm embrace.

I'm home.