Without you...

Without you…

Every morning I sit at our table
Looking out the window
Drinking a cup of coffee

I instinctively reach my hand towards yours
Only to be met with nothing
Remembering, that you're not here

…Was the world always this empty?

Every afternoon I come home
Weary from a long day of work
I open the door and walk in

I instinctively await your hug
Only for it never to arrive
Remembering, that you're gone

…Was this room always so cold?

Every evening I cook the same meal
Making a bit too much
Thinking about how it was your favorite

I instinctively grab two plates
Only to put one back
Remembering, that I'm alone now
…What's the point without you?

Every night I get ready for bed
Surrounded by my emptiness
Bombarded by memories of you

I instinctively turn to face you
Only to see no one
Remembering, that this is my life now

…How do I do this again tomorrow?

We were supposed to visit your parents for Christmas
Do I still go?
How are they dealing with it?
What do I even say to them?

Your friends keep reaching out
I fake my strength
I tell them I'm doing fine, or I'm busy
Because seeing them still hurts

God… why did You take her away?
She loved You dearly
She lit up every room she entered
She cared for everyone
But I'm here in a dark room

God… why wasn't it me instead?
She would know how to do this
She would lean on You
She would comfort our friends and family
But I'm here hiding away

God… what now?
I'm a mess without her
I'm so empty
I'm not able to handle this
But I'm supposed to continue everyday without her?

God… I can't
The world is moving too fast
While each moment is painfully long
This is all too much for me

---

Without you…

Everytime I wake up
I hope this nightmare is over
But everything is the same

How long do I wait?
They say You're always working
And that I should trust You

Why is nothing changing?

Every time I eat
I expect her to pray
But no prayers come

Should I pray?
I'm too afraid
Because it didn't work for her

Why didn't You answer my prayers?

Everytime I see a couple
I think of the plans we had
They're all gone now

Your ways are higher right?
You work all things for my good
I should probably submit to Your will

Why did You take her?

Every time I'm alone
I'm consumed by my thoughts
A crippling whirlpool

Unable to escape
With You in the center
Waiting calmly

Why are You just standing there?!

Can You do something for once?
I'm drowning in this sorrow
While You do nothing
Are You enjoying this?

This is all Your fault
You ruined everything
While I suffer
Please just fix something

You could've saved her!
Unless You're not all powerful
Or maybe You don't care
Either way, she's gone
Are You even hearing me?

You could've made a different plan!
Your ways don't seem better
All You do is bring pain
And somehow that gives You glory?
Are You even worth following?

You could've changed anything!
Unless You're too busy to notice
You are God after all
Why bother with us?
Are You even loving?

You could help me…
Yet You haven't
Still, I can't save myself
Where else could I even go?

---

Without You…

Every day You watch over me
Willingly taking my curses and insults
Because You know my pain

You felt it too
But You also know the healing
AndSo You remain a stronghold

How can You put up with me?

Every week You comfort me
When it all seems too much
You are here giving me strength

You see my battles
But You also know the victories
So You remain a refuge

How can You still love me?

Every month You rejoice over my growth
Even when I see none
You notice every step

You see where I've been
But You also know where I'll be
So You remain a guide

How can You still hope in me?

Every year You are patient with me
Despite my faithlessness
You have never abandoned me

You knew the journey
But You also know the glory it brings
So You remain my Father

How can You be so faithful?

Although it hurts now
You are still good
When it all seems unchangeable
You are still powerful

Although You feel distant now
You are still present
When it all seems unknown
You are omniscient

You were there at the creation of the universe
You watched every rise and fall
You endured Your Son on the cross
You rejoiced when He rose
And You partook in our lives

You were there when we met
You watched as we fell in love
You bore through every nervous date
You celebrated our wedding
And You partook in our joy

You were there when she died
You watched every tear fall
You heard every desperate prayer
You felt every heartbreak
And You partook in our grief

You will be there through the restoration
You will be there when the pain blesses Your people
You will be there when the growth glorifies You
You will be there when I sing Hallelujah
And You will partake in our worship