who am i? (what's in a name? pt. 2)

Who am I? Who was I made to be? What does God desire to do with me?

These are all questions I have been asking myself lately. In a season of wilderness, I find myself feeling lost and purposeless in the midst of the desert. Wandering, searching, looking for direction and where the Lord desires to use me. So in the midst of this, I wanted to come back to reflect on who I was named after. Who I model myself to be (besides Jesus of course).

A while back I wrote a piece called What's in a name? In that piece I dove into a little bit of reflection on who I was named after. A servant of the early church. A man full of grace, power, faith, and the Holy Spirit. A man who demonstrated a life in Christ. The first martyr. In this season of feeling purposeless and lost, I wanted to take a look again at the character of this man and what it meant to be filled with the Holy Spirit.

Starting with Acts 6, the early church began to have complaints. Division began to form in the early church between the Hellenists (greek-speaking jews) and the Hebrews (aramaic-speaking jews). Although this church was one church, it was growing and becoming too big for the apostles alone to handle. Just as 1 Corinthians 12 speaks of, the church is one body with many parts. We all have our roles given in the church. For the apostles, that was teaching, but who then was left to take care of the poor and needy?

Of course, the Lord will designate and fill our needs as needs arise. We see seven men, full of the Spirit and of wisdom (Acts 6:4), selected to be these servants. These aren't just regular men who have a heart to serve but men who are full of the Spirit and wisdom. This goes to show that just because you are placed in a role of servanthood does not mean you should lack knowledge of the Word. Through these appointments, the leaders are able to focus on the church in prayer and teaching. The body parts are each operating as they need to help the body function. We see in verse 7 that these designations only led to further growth and health of the church as the rich in spirit support the poor in spirit and God is glorified all the more.

Of these seven men, there is a man named Stephen. This man is specifically described as one full of faith and of the Holy Spirit (Acts 6:5) and later in Acts 6:8 to be full of grace and power. Wonders and signs were being done through him as it is apparent that he has been blessed with the Holy Spirit and His gifts. He spoke with words that even the scholars of that time could not withstand the wisdom and the Spirit with which he was speaking (Acts 6:10). To be filled with the Spirit is to offend the world and it means that it is apparent. It is shown in our actions, the way we live, the way we speak, and the ways that we look. Even when the council looked upon his face, it was apparent the Spirit rested upon him as his face was like the face of an angel (Acts 6:14). I wonder how Spirit-filled you must be for that joy, love, and peace to show across your face. Like the moon to the sun, he was a small reflection of the Lord's light.

In Acts 7, we hear of Stephen's speech/sermon. Clearly we can see the wisdom that the Spirit has blessed him with. Even on a stage where he was set to lose with false witnesses, he speaks out in courage, boldness, wisdom and power to simply defend and speak truth. He goes into the history of Abraham, their fathers, and soon to Moses. Just as the Israelites first rejected Moses, so did the people of Israel reject Jesus. In the same way as Moses, they reject Jesus asking, Who made you a ruler and judge over us? (Acts 7:27). And just like the Israelites to the golden calf, the council of scholars, at this time, turn and rejoice in the works of their [own] hands (Acts 7:41). They worship the temple of God, declaring it as the only place of worship and prosecuting Stephen for blaspheming against the temple rather than worshipping and declaring worship over the God of the temple. It's ironic and a testament to the pride we as people carry. These men were so stiff-necked and prideful that they refused to humble themselves in the presence of the Lord. Insisting that God only dwells in that place, but the Most High does not dwell in houses made by hands, as the prophet says (Acts 7:48). Through the covenant and sacrifice of Jesus Christ, we as His people can approach the Father even in our brokenness and dirtiness. From the temple where God says you come to Me, we are now the church where God Himself sends Jesus to us and says I come to you. It's a beautiful picture of mercy. Something we are so undeserving of.

Stephen, filled with all this wisdom, rebukes the council. They claim to follow the law yet they are the ones who break it. When they hear this wisdom, they can't help but feel offended. They lash out in anger, cry out, and stone Stephen. They refuse to believe and accept that Jesus is the Son of God and at the right hand of the Father. Picture this, a council of the most regarded wise men of that time, throwing tantrums, crying out with a loud voice, and stopping their ears as they throw rocks at an innocent man. It's ironic and a depiction of just how hardened the human heart can be. Preemptive to all this, Stephen sees Jesus standing at the right hand of God. This is the only time Jesus mentioned standing instead of sitting at the Father's side. Jesus does not react impassionately to His people. Maybe He was applauding, or maybe even pleading Stephen's case before the Father, preparing him a righteous reward in Heaven. Whatever it is, Jesus stood in solidarity with Stephen. I want to one day ask Stephen, what did you see on the face of Jesus as He stood by the Father? We also see Saul present at this stoning, and as he calls out his final words, we see him fully surrender even at the time of death, asking, Lord Jesus, receive my spirit (Acts 7:59). Finally, one final prayer. A prayer modeling the heart of Jesus for us and the evidence of God answering prayer. God used Stephen's prayer to touch the heart of a man no one thought would suffer for Christ, Saul, or modernly known as apostle Paul. As St. Augustine said, If Stephen had not prayed, the church would not have had Paul. That is the power of prayer. That is the power of the Spirit. The power of what God can do with one man who desires to be wholly used by Him.

So this is the man whom my parents chose to name me after. A man whose calling was much greater than I'm sure he could've ever imagined. A man, who in faith, blessed the modern church with its doctrine today through prayer.

Of course, I don't see myself anywhere near this hero of the faith. In many ways, I know God is calling me to something greater than I could ever imagine. Would it be to this degree? Only God knows. I don't think I was named after this man for a random reason, but I truly do believe that God is building my character to follow in this way of being used. I, too, desire to be a man full of the Spirit. To be full of grace, wisdom, and the power of the Lord. I've seen glimpses, glimpses of people, men and women of God, who God has done powerful and amazing things through because they chose to give themselves fully for Him. I seek to do the same. To be a man who trusts in God even till my last breath. To pray on behalf of the generations of the present, the generations to come and to be used for His purpose even if I never see the final result.

When I reflect on this passage, when I reflect on Stephen, I picture myself in that position, and I ask myself once again, what did you see on the face of Jesus there Stephen. Was it one of contentment, one of joy, one of compassion? How, then, do You look upon me. I wish to see that same face one day. To say that I have run the race, that I have given it all for Christ.

So who am i? I am only a lowly servant, a life to be used for His glory, and what He chooses to do with this life, only time and grace will tell.