Reflections

3/10/25
Lots of thoughts have been going on in my head lately. Lots of blessings. Lots of thoughts. Lots of reflections. Lots of tears. Lots of crying out and gentle whimpers.

At the start of my time in Dallas, I really considered and questioned God, “why am I even here”. I didn't like the job I was given by God (I still don't) and I felt that the main reason that God had called me to Dallas was all of a sudden falling apart. As I just continued to live out everyday, I found myself asking myself that question everyday. I've been thinking and reflecting on who I am lately. I don't mean in the sense of my perspective with God, but more in the sense of the gifts God has given me and the things that have followed wherever I went.

In many ways, I am blessed and gifted. I cannot deny that. I am naturally a fast learner and smart. I am quite honestly fully sufficient by myself. I have good attunement to who I am physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I am someone who connects with people easily. In many communities, I find myself acting like a bridge, unintentionally. I just keep building relationships to the point where all of a sudden I randomly become a central point for a web in communities. Similar to my mom in many ways. I guess that gift was carried down.

In the heights of my depression, it was taxing, it was destructive, and it tore me apart. I felt like a bridge, yes, but bridges are built to be walked on. In the depths of my darkness, I only let myself be walked on and saw the bridge of myself slowly deteriorate and unravel itself. That is, until he redeemed me.

My church, The Blessing Church, hosted a prayer and worship weekend this past weekend. 3 nights of back-to-back prayer and worship. Thank you worship team for your hard work and love for serving.

Anyways, I prayed for this weekend and was given an image. It was of chickens in a chicken coop. As feed was spread to the coop, he saw the chickens flocking to the feed. He then saw one lone chicken, me, who chose to not go to the feed but to continue to do his own thing. He told me that he saw an independence in me that God has given me. A confidence in who I am and what I do and that I only need to please Him. In a way, it was reaffirming and comforting to hear and be recognized that where I am going right now is correct.

Since being healed, I've become a lot more independent. Not in a bad way, I guess, but in a sense where I am confident in the identity I have in Christ. That He is all I need and that I really feel like I don't need anything else. Now I've been able to recognize that gift and fully embrace it. The gift of being that bridge. I have no care what others think of me anymore. I'll just continue to be myself and do my own thing and live in a fraction of the fullness of His joy He has given me. What else could I ask for?

Anyways, back to the main point. This past weekend I flew back to Atlanta. The city where God redeemed me, changed me, broke me, and healed me. It was a long 10-year journey to healing. I grew A LOT in those 4 years of college. A LOT.

But honestly…

I think I've grown so much more in the past 10 months than I ever grew in those 4 years. It scares me. I'm becoming more and more attentive to what God is calling me in my life and everyday it scares me. It's something I need to surrender.

I cried a lot this past worship weekend. A LOT. Maybe growing pains are the best way to describe it. I recalled memories and good times from college as I saw those same people who knew my broken and then healed self. But in the same sense, I felt uneasy. I felt out of place. I recognized that the person who grew up with these people was me 10 months ago. Someone who mentally and spiritually was quite different from who I am now. It hurts to feel that way. It really did, but if anything, it was a testament to how much He is shaping and transforming me here in Dallas and how much He wants me here.

A brother recently shared with me something that his small group leader shared with him:

“We often move to new cities for new job opportunities, dating, marriage. Whatever it may be. These are good things, but how often do we move to a city because of a community? A church? A body of brothers and sisters?”

This is pretty summarized LOL but you get the point.

This changed the way I see Dallas.

Yes, I wanted to live that 20s life that everyone lives. In a big city, with fun experiences and living that so-called “lavish” life. First, I realized that it's not really for me as I came to realize how family-oriented I am as I save pretty much all my money for that future reason LOL. More importantly, and secondly, I came to realize that God is growing me here in Dallas in ways that I could never have imagined at a rate that I could never have imagined. Why would I ever willingly leave that unless He called me out of that? How stupid I am.

So I'm staying. I'm staying here until I'm told otherwise. I won't get that “glamorous” 20s life I guess, but did I really need it? Not really. If I could just see His face and grow closer to Him, then I don't want to leave.

As I cried out to God this Sunday, I saw an image of a younger me. One who was on the cusp of wanting to take his own life. Many days in that period of my life, I thought I would never make it to see tomorrow. But then I saw myself. The me of today. I walked over to that young boy and hugged him. Embraced him. Then I saw Jesus. I saw him walk over to both of us and hug us. I felt that same warmth of the Spirit as His presence falls on me.

I've been feeling quite lost lately. With the realization of my calling and the struggles with my job and a desire to date, it's been isolating honestly. I feel as if I'm wandering. Wandering in the wilderness with no light, with no guidance and no water. I don't know where I'm going and I don't know what comes next. But maybe that's because I've been looking down this whole time. Staring at those footsteps that marked the path of a man who is no longer.

That man is the me of 10 months ago. God is breaking me down. He is tearing me down and showing me more and more how broken I am and how much more I need Him. So it's time to look up and look past that man. To recognize and say goodbye to that old Stephen and accept the new Stephen He is making me into. To look upon His face with those teary and blind eyes. And as He places His gentle hands on my eyes, I am given sight. Sight to see His face. To see those stars in the wilderness.

Cause, yes, the wilderness is hard, but after all, it's the only place where the stars shine brightest. There's no other light to distract you.

So gird up my legs Lord.

Give me courage and strength only You can give.

After all, the highest place these legs will go,

Is right at the feet of the Lord.


6/2/25
one thing my discipler shared with me recently is that he thinks God sometimes places a theme in our lives

a crutch, if you may, something to constantly have us lean on Him to provide

as i've come to realize lately, i think mine so far is definitely loneliness

it was the root of my depression, and a theme i realize runs deeper in my life than i initially thought

i don't think i've ever had a “best friend”

one friend that i would call my friend who KNOWS me

a lot of people know me and i have many close brothers and sisters

it's kinda like if you were to think of a best man or maid of honor

there are many people i would consider to be my groomsmen, but for some reason i have never been able to confidently say that one of them would be my best man

i feel like most people have always had at least one of those people in their lives

someone they bring most things to share, the moments to live with, the memories, the DEEP DEEP connection of one who truly knows you

for myself, i've never had that

i've been part of all the “groups” of friends yet never a part of the closer circles

i've been invited to many things yet i'm always the one to stand awkwardly like there was no one i knew

this past month as i took a break from initiating, i was reminded that once i stop, my calendar becomes empty, without a single one to reach out

i've come to accept that's just how my life is, this is more just a reflection on that

i'm not depressed or sad but more acceptant

and in this season as God teaches me deeper discipline, obedience, and contentment,

all the more, i kneel in the presence of a Holy and Righteous God and am reminded that He has me

i haven't come to realize just how lonely i've felt, but all the more, may i continue to bring this to You